Romancing Snow White: A Prince Charmaine Story Read online

  ROMANCING SNOW WHITE

  A Prince Charmaine Story

  Karen Kiefer

  I

  Prince Charmaine was down on his luck. Completely, utterly and thoroughly down on his luck. For a man who had never been dumped before, he had certainly been dumped a lot lately! Aurora dumped him. Cydney dumped him. It seemed that every girl in the world was determined to rip his heart from his chest and smash it into smithereens.

  “Why?!” he bellowed to the sky. “Why would ANYONE in their right mind want to break up with ME? I'm handsome.” He held up a finger. “Charming.” He held up another finger. “And downright perfect!” All his fingers shot up at once.

  Charmaine was strolling through the woods, which happened to be a favorite pastime of the lonely prince. He hoped to find a woodland damsel sitting among the trees. Daft beauties were often found wandering the woods, not unlike lonely princes.

  “Well, I won't be lonely for long!” Charmaine declared. “Ladies love me. Everyone loves me. And most importantly... I love me!”

  Prince Charmaine was in luck. As it happened, there was a lovely damsel sitting in the clearing. Charmaine hid behind a tree, watching her. She had thick ebony hair, pale pink skin, and the most precious little mouth he had ever seen. Animals were flocking to her, and it was the strangest thing he had ever seen. She was surrounded by little bunnies and birdies, and a big, fat deer was eating a strawberry out of her hand.

  “Well, that's entirely unfair! I want to eat strawberries out of her hand...” Charmaine whimpered to himself. “Maybe not after the deer touched her, though. Stupid, slobbery creature! She'll have to wash her hands, of course.”

  He must have spoken too loudly, because the animals scattered. Bunnies dashed for their holes at record-breaking speeds. The deer ran away so fast, it nearly tripped over its own wobbly legs. The dark-haired beauty looked incredibly disappointed by the fact that they abandoned her.

  “Who's there?” her tiny voice cried out. “Is someone there?”

  “Ahem.” Prince Charmaine stepped out from behind the tree with a hand on his hip. He tried to look as dashing as he possibly could. “Sorry to disturb you, my lady. I did not mean to frighten the animals.”

  “It's alright,” she said. But she was pouting.

  Charmaine lifted his chin and turned his head ever-so-slightly, giving her a glimpse of his tanned, chiseled profile. I must look like Apollo right now, he thought to himself. But maybe he was giving Apollo too much credit? Not even a Greek god could be as handsome as Prince Charmaine!

  “Lovely lady,” Charmaine spoke up. He rushed forward and took her by the hand. “Beautiful, lovely, breathtaking creature! Won't you give me your name?”

  “My name?” she repeated.

  “Yes. You were given one when you were born. It's what people call you?” He flashed a sarcastic grin.

  “Bones says I shouldn't talk to strangers.”

  “Bones?! Who is Bones?!” When she didn't answer, Charmaine took a deep breath and continued, “Well, we have been acquainted with each other for nearly sixty seconds! That hardly makes me a stranger! Please, give me your name!”

  “Snow,” the beauty said. “Snow White.”

  “Snow?! Bones and now Snow?!” Charmaine clicked his tongue a few times. “Where in the world am I!? Why do these people have such stupid names?!”

  Snow White pouted preciously. “That's not very nice!”

  “Sorry... sorry!” Charmaine was quick to apologize. He wanted to woo her, not insult her! He needed to redouble his efforts and raise his game. “How very rude of me! Will you allow me to start over?”

  Snow took a strawberry from her basket and popped it into her mouth. “I guess so.”

  “Snow White... I must say... I am absolutely captivated by your beauty!” Charmaine clasped a hand over his heart and threw back his head. “I have never seen a more perfect vision of loveliness! Your hair is onyx heaven, dripping from a midnight sky. Your eyes are like embers, burning my very soul! Your skin is like pure snow on the petal of a white lily.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “Really?”

  “Really!” he exclaimed. “I feel like I could die a happy man, now that I have seen your face! If I were to die tomorrow, your face is the last thing I would want to see! Oh... and your lips!” Charmaine fell backward as he spoke, as if the wind had been knocked out of him. He lay in the grass and shouted his amorous words to the sky. “Your lips are perfect! They're supple, moist, rose petal perfection!”

  “I don't know about that...” Snow said with a shrug. “I'm not that special.”

  “OH, but you ARE!” Charmaine insisted. “I would forfeit a year of my life for a chance to kiss those lips! Do you think I could ever be so lucky?”

  “Maybe. I don't know.”

  “Thank goodness! She gives me hope!” He sat up and held out his arms. “You know, you can sit on my lap... if you'd like.”

  “I don't know about that.”

  He patted his leg. “Come on now. Until I can get closer to you, I'm going to be in misery. You don't want to leave me in misery, do you?”

  “Not really.”

  “Well then!” He kept patting his lap.

  “I don't even know your name!”

  “Oh... for shame! What a terrible oversight on my part!” Charmaine exclaimed. “You'll have to forgive me, o' sweet beauty! I should have introduced myself the moment I approached! I am Charmaine. Prince Charmaine. Perhaps you've heard of me?”

  Snow White shook her pretty head. “No. I haven't.”

  “Well, no matter.”

  A bee whizzed by his head, which made Charmaine squeal like a schoolgirl. He sprang to his feet and made a dash for the trees.

  “Charmaine?” Snow called to him. “What happened?”

  “Nothing!” As he approached her again, he kept his eyes peeled for the bee. He didn't like things that buzzed. Or slithered. “I just got... a tad overzealous. Your beauty makes me frantic!”

  “Are you really a prince?” She raised a skeptical eyebrow.

  “Yes! Of course! Would anyone but a prince dress as nicely as this?” He turned around so she could admire his attire. His tights, tunic, and cap were designed by his kingdom's top tailors. “Are you impressed?”

  “Um...”

  “Impressed by my princely status?”

  “I guess. Kind of.”

  “Do you think I'm handsome?”

  Snow White stared at him for several seconds, squinting her eyes as she scrutinized him. She had to admit, he was probably as classically handsome as a man could be, with his chiseled cheekbones, square jaw, and glistening blonde hair. Even his eyebrows were perfection. “I guess you're handsome,” she finally admitted.

  “Would you like me to sing for you?” Charmaine asked. “I can sing if you want me to. Every besotted gentleman should serenade his lady!”

  “You can if you want.”

  So Charmaine cleared his throat.

  “Beeeeooooootiful Snow Whiiiiiite... makes me hiiiiigher than a kiiiite! I want to touch her haaaair! She has me quite ensnaaaared!”

  He was a truly terrible singer, and his lyrics were quite possibly the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. Nevertheless, Snow politely clapped her hands for him.

  “Her skiiin is like an angel's skin! Her heart I hooope to someday win!”

  “Thank you, Prince Charmaine,” she praised him. “That was lovely.”

  “Really?” He knelt on the ground beside her and grabbed her hand. “You really liked it?”

  “I did!” she lied. “It was very nice. I've never been serenaded before.”

  “I'll se
renade you every day, if you'd like!”

  “I--”

  “Would you like that, my beautiful darling?”

  “Y-yes. Yes, I would.” She didn't want to hurt his feelings.

  “Wonderful!” Charmaine leapt to his feet and hoisted her from the ground. “So you'll permit me to call on you again?”

  “Call... on me?”

  “Yes! Like a suitor!” Charmaine lowered his voice and leaned toward her. “Or better yet... your boyfriend?”

  “Oh!” Snow's hands flew to her cheeks, which were burning hot. His relentless flirtation was making her blush. “I-I-I've never had a boyfriend before.”

  “Do you want a boyfriend?”

  “Of course!” Snow exclaimed. “I think every girl wants a boyfriend.”

  His eyes lit up. This was almost too easy! “So you'll be my girlfriend?”

  “I guess so.”

  Charmaine flung his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. “Ahhhh! You have no idea how wonderful that makes me feel! I must be the luckiest man in the world right now!” He tilted his head closer to her. “And I would be even luckier... if you would kiss me.”

  “Kiss you?” Her legs were almost crumbling from beneath her. Snow White had never kissed a man before, but it was an appealing prospect. In particular, kissing Prince Charmaine sounded quite appealing. He was, after all, arrestingly handsome—even if he was a bit vapid. And vain.

  “I want to kiss you,” Charmaine purred into her ear. “Please, please, please let me kiss you!”

  “Okay.”

  “You want to kiss me?”

  Snow White gave a slight nod. “I do.”

  Prince Charmaine's entire body was trembling in anticipation of their kiss. Snow White's heart was pounding against her chest, and her hands were moist with sweat. He took her in his arms, leaned forward, and brushed his mouth across hers.

  She relaxed in his arms, so he deepened their kiss. His lips devoured her. His hands drifted downward, landing on her round, supple bottom.

  “Ahem.”

  Someone was behind him! Their kiss ended immediately, and Charmaine turned around.

  As soon as he did, a tiny man punched him in the crotch.

  II

  Charmaine gripped his groin and sunk to his knees. Unfortunately, that meant he was eye-level with the little man, whose second blow landed on Charmaine's nose.

  Charmaine slumped over, thoroughly defeated.

  “Oh no! Charmaine!” Snow fell to the ground beside him and cradled his head in her arms. Her affection was almost worth the pain, Charmaine thought.

  “Uhhhhhhhhhhhgggg waaa haa haaa!” Charmaine whimpered.

  “Poor Charmaine!” Snow started caressing his hair, and he thought it was the nicest feeling in the world. Charmaine wondered if he should whine some more. The more sympathy he got, the better. “Bones, how could you?!”

  So this was Bones? Charmaine opened one eye and stared at the little man called Bones. His name was almost ironic. Bones was a short man, but he had arms the size of tree trunks. And he was currently cracking his knuckles, so Charmaine hid behind Snow White.

  “Don't let him hurt me!” Charmaine cried.

  “Bones!” Snow exclaimed. “Apologize!”

  “I ain't apologizin'!” Bones exclaimed. “Ain't no way I'm apologizing to a man who touches my little girl like that! No sirree!”

  When Charmaine peeked around Snow White's shoulder, he saw several other small men emerging from the trees.

  “But Charmaine is my boyfriend!” Snow White declared. “He's allowed to touch me wherever he wants!”

  Charmaine's eyebrow shot up. This was news to him! “Really? I can touch you anywhere?!” Then Charmaine saw the fury in Bones' eyes, and he let out a little squeak. He cowered behind Snow White, hoping she would protect him from further injury.

  “Well, you better tell yer boyfriend not to touch you like that!” Bones threatened, “Or I'll break his nuts!”

  Six small men lined up beside Bones and glowered at Charmaine. Snow White, eager to introduce her boyfriend, took it upon herself to make introductions. “You've already met Bones. To his right, there's Wheezy.”

  Wheezy could hardly catch his breath, so he didn't say anything. He just waved.

  “And Madden.”

  When Charmaine's eyes fell on Madden, Madden flipped him off.

  “Merry.”

  When she said his name, Merry bowed.

  “Uhhh... Snow?” Charmaine whispered in her ear. “Isn't Merry a girl's name?”

  “Shh,” she hushed him. “And then there's Sheepish.”

  Sheepish had the wildest hair Charmaine had ever laid eyes on. It was purple and blue, and was sticking up in a million different directions. When Sheepish saw Charmaine staring at him, he hid behind Bones.

  “And to the left of Bones, we have Silly.”

  As soon as he was introduced, Silly started making farting noises with his armpit.

  “And Narcolept.”

  Narcolept's eyes were fluttering drowsily, but he managed to wave at Charmaine.

  “Snow.... Sweetheart!” Charmaine exclaimed. “You don't expect me to remember all this, do you? That was a lot!”

  “Well, if you're going to be my boyfriend, I'd like you to try to remember!” she said. “They mean a lot to me! They've taken care of me as long as I can remember! If not for them, I wouldn't have a roof over my head!”

  “You live with midgets!?”

  “Dwarves!” she corrected him.

  “Alright then. You live with... dwarves.” Charmaine shook his head with disbelief. “Isn't that a bit strange? They must ask you to retrieve things from the top shelf all the time!”

  Bones reached around Snow White and grabbed Charmaine by the front of his shirt. “That's what step stools are for, asshole!”

  “I'm sorry!” Charmaine threw up his hands and winced. “I'm really, really sorry! Don't hurt me! I beg you!”

  “Pathetic!” Bones spat at Charmaine's feet. “You really like this clown, Snow?”

  “I do!” Snow White declared—which made Charmaine grin. It must have really been love at first sight! “And you really shouldn't mistreat him, Bones! Charmaine is special! He's a prince!”

  “A prince?” Bones spat again. “I don't care if he's a royal chamber pot! I won't let him get away with groping you like that! A prince should know better!”

  Merry and Madden stepped forward and grabbed Snow White's elbows. They gave Bones a nod, and started leading her away from the clearing. She kept looking over her shoulder at Charmaine with tears in her eyes.

  “Snow White!” Charmaine shouted. “When will I see you again?!”

  Bones balled a fist and shook it at Charmaine. “How about never, you idiot? NEVER?”

  “But she loves me! I know she does!”

  “She'll love you over my dead body!” Bones stroked his foot-long beard as he glared at Charmaine. “Do you understand me, son? You aren't coming around her again. And that's that.”

  “But you can't keep her away from me. We care about each other!”

  Bones raised his fist. “Would you like to tell that to my knuckles, boy?”

  “Uhh... no.” Prince Charmaine started backing away from Bones.

  “We have an understanding, yes? You and me?”

  “Yes. Yes we do!”

  “No more groping.”

  “Nope. No groping.”

  “No more kissing.”

  “I wouldn't dream of it!”

  “And most importantly...” Bones lowered his voice and stepped forward. “If you come around her again, I'll wring your neck.”

  Prince Charmaine swallowed so hard, his Adam's apple bobbed. He started to wonder if Snow White was really worth it. Sure, she was beautiful, innocent, sweet, bashful, pure and kind. She was practically everything he could ever want in a woman!

  But was she worth it?

  A vision of her flawless face flashed before Charmaine's eyes, and h
e had to smile.

  Of course she was worth it!

  * * *

  Charmaine followed them to their cottage so he would know where Snow White lived. It was a quaint, cozy little place, with timber frames and a thatched roof. It might have been the most peaceful place in the world, if not for the fact that Charmaine started raising a ruckus outside.

  “SNOW!” he called to her. “SNOW WHITE? YOUR BOYFRIEND IS HERE! I WON'T LET THEM KEEP YOU AWAY FROM ME!”

  Snow appeared in one of the windows, so he ran to her. “Charmaine!” she squealed. “You came!”

  “Of course I came. I would never abandon you!”

  One of the dwarves approached Snow White and dragged her away from the window. The dwarf stuck out his tongue at Charmaine, then snapped the curtains shut.

  But Prince Charmaine wouldn't give up so easily—not when a beautiful woman's happiness depended on it! He went to the front door and gave it a tap.

  A few seconds later, Bones shoved his head outside. “Whaddaya want?”

  “To see Snow White.”

  “Go away.”

  He started to close the door, but Charmaine wedged his foot between the door and frame. “Please... hear me out! I want to court her.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yes! I'll court her like a proper gentleman! I'll call on her with flowers and the like. I just want to see her!” As Charmaine spoke, Bones' cold gaze was unflinching. “I realize I came on too strong, and I regret it from the bottom of my heart!”

  “You do?”

  “Yes! I do!”

  “You regret putting your dirty mouth on hers?”

  “Y-yes.” Dirty mouth? Charmaine's mouth was quite clean! But he didn't think it was the right time to protest.

  “You regret putting your dirty hands on her a--”

  “Yes!” Charmaine exclaimed. “Look, you can't keep me away from her! I need her! You would be standing in the way of young love! Who would have the heart to do such a thing?! If you don't let me see her, her faultless beauty will haunt me in my dreams!”

  “And you can think of my knuckles in your nightmares,” Bones said. “Git!”